Snapshots From My Uneventful Life by David Aboulafia Book Tour and Giveaway!
Snapshots
From My Uneventful Life
by
David Aboulafia
Genre:
Comedy, Autobiography
In
this hysterical, irreverent and sometimes thought-provoking
collection of essays, the author takes us on a journey through
everyday, real-life events that started out as “uneventful,” but
wound up being anything but. “Snapshots” is a book that everyone
will identify with, and that will have you holding your stomach with
laughter and scratching your head in wonder!
SNAPSHOTS
FROM MY UNEVENTFUL LIFE
"A Funny Gag, But No Laughing Matter"
"A Funny Gag, But No Laughing Matter"
POOR
COCO, my one-year-old, chocolate brown, 65 pound, positively loony
Standard Poodle, was about to get his balls chopped off.
Look,
there’s just no delicate way to describe it, and I’m not sure
whether I should tiptoe around anything or sugar coat the true nature
of the event. Employing a more acceptable term such as “neuter”
would not alter the graphic significance of such a procedure, at
least to any human male.
While
convinced of the necessity for this long ago, and despite the sage
assurances of the capable veterinarians we consulted (who, I assure
you, would just as quickly have recommended the de-balling of my
canary or koala), I could not shake the disturbing notion that my
loving pet’s very soul would be affected in some way.
Maybe
he would come out of surgery like a Stepford wife, or like one of
those pod people who are just like the humans they replace, except
that they’re not.
That
bothered me. That, and the fact I couldn’t even discuss the issue
with the vet without two hands shielding my gonads. Hey, don’t wave
a red flag in front of a bull, if you know what I mean.
Anyway,
my wife took him to the vet that day. Before Coco left, I approached
him with bowed head as if he were going to the gallows. I said I was
sorry I had failed him, that I had done everything I could, but, that
it would be over quickly, and he wouldn’t feel a thing.
French
poodles are among the smartest dogs on the planet, and Coco is no
exception. He is also a crap expert, as most dogs tend to be, and is
fully able to recognize it when it is exiting the mouth of his human.
He looked at me with disdain and disbelief, snarling at my
disingenuousness, and I didn’t blame him a bit.
The
task of retrieving my pup fell to me several hours later. This is a
duty that has always caused me great pain and anguish. How it is
possible that a man gets as anxious over the health of his dog as the
health of his children I cannot imagine, but I do. I drove to the vet
with feelings of dark anticipation and dread.
My
anxiety expresses itself through my comedy, I suppose, or in the
attempt, at least. I guess it’s a way of expelling bad thoughts. I
entered the clinic and approached the five
sweet-but-always-distracted female administrators who crowded the
small area that was the front office. Separating them from the
patient waiting area was a four foot high barrier, which they no
doubt thought steep enough to fend off any large beast weighing more
than any of those sheltered behind it.
“I’m
here to pick up Coco,” I announced stoutly. “I believe that he
was spayed,” I added.
On
the one hand, I was quite proud of my use of complex medical
terminology. On the other hand, I didn’t mind disclaiming a precise
awareness of the procedure, so I would at least have culpable
deniability if anyone were to think me cruel or unfeeling for having
so mercilessly mutilated my pet.
“You
mean neutered, I hope,” pleaded one of the oh-so-kind assistants,
reminding me that the term “spay” is most often used in
connection with the female of the species. She spoke with a curious
narrowing of her left eye as if to assess whether I might have
brought the animal in for a sex change.
“Oh,
yes, I’m sorry,” I cheerfully agreed. Wishing to clarify the
matter, I simply added that Coco had been brought in to get his balls
chopped off, and that was the long and the short of it.
As
you can imagine, this remark was received with some
disapproval.
Then, I got an idea. I giggled to myself. I forced myself serious, and looked around to see if any- one was in earshot of my thoughts. Finding no one – and somewhat disappointed - I leaned forward.
Then, I got an idea. I giggled to myself. I forced myself serious, and looked around to see if any- one was in earshot of my thoughts. Finding no one – and somewhat disappointed - I leaned forward.
“May
I ask you something?” I inquired of the wholly efficient
two-kids-three-cats-mom assistant in front of me.
“Of
course,” she replied.
“Can
I keep them?” I asked.
Everyone
in the office area stopped what they were doing and looked
up.
“Excuse me?” she asked.
“Excuse me?” she asked.
Timing
was everything, and I knew it. I floated a pregnant pause and
replied.
“Can
I keep them?” I repeated.
“You
want to keep them?” she asked.
“Yes…well,
actually, it’s my wife who wants them.”
“Your
wife?”
Everyone
was at full attention now, and I had achieved what I had set out to;
namely, to make a complete spectacle of myself.
“Yes,”
I replied. “She wants to keep them in a jar on the mantle.”
“In
a jar?” she asked with some astonishment.
“Yes,”
I repeated.
“On
the mantle?” she asked.
“Yes….”
I replied, and quite eagerly, now. I was ready for my close-up, baby;
ready to deliver the punch line.
“She
wants to display them right next to mine,” I added happily.
Well,
I thought it was funny. Most of my audience laughed, getting the gag.
But,
in relief, I am sure.
More Snapshots? From
My Uneventful Life
More
Snapshots is the cheeky sibling of its predecessor Snapshots From My
Uneventful Life. Chatty, hilarious and often poignant, David I.
Aboulafia takes us on a journey through every day, real-life events
that start out as uneventful, but that wind up being anything but…
DAVID
I. ABOULAFIA is an attorney with a practice in the heart of New York
City. He spends the wee hours of the morning writing books that
terrify and amuse. His days are spent in the courts and among the
skyscrapers, and his evenings with the trees, the stars, his wife and
his dog in a suburb north of the City.
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the tour HERE
for exclusive excerpts and a giveaway!
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